The Unnatural Feminist

I will share a secret.  I am not naturally a feminist.

When I say this, I do not mean that I am not a true feminist, or that I am in any way "faking it."  I deeply believe that women are equal to men, that my daughter should have the same opportunities in life as my son.  I have known many men and many women, both friends and not so much, and I can see no superiority of one sex over the other, nor are there that many consistencies within one sex.  In my own marriage, I am by far the more practical of the two of us, and I have the most common sense, but my husband is much better at abstract thinking, and works well under pressure.  We each have our advantages, and I believe they are owed more heavily to our individual personalities than any gendered predisposition. 

What I mean when I say I am an unnatural feminist is that my gut instinct is not feminist.  I was raised by my parents to dress, speak, and act like a lady, at least in public.  While I was encouraged in my pursuits, it was combined with the idea that women are natural nurturers, while men need to have drive and ambition.  Both of my parents were heavily involved with child-rearing, but otherwise, they split their roles cleanly along gendered stereotypes.  These roles fit their individual personalities, and I didn't think much of it when I was growing up.  Now, though, I am looking at the world with the eyes of a mother, not a daughter.  And what I see is a bit disturbing.

Besides my husband, those who know me well would most likely be surprised to learn that I am constantly having to combat my own prejudices about gender.  I am very opinionated, and I am an outspoken advocate of women's rights on my Facebook page.  Furthermore, my own sense of righteousness rebels against the harsh double standards for men and women in leadership positions.  I am deeply offended by the idea that I would be an unsuitable leader because I suffer from PMS.  The 2008 presidential campaigns highlighted for me in ways I had never before considered just how many behaviors we scorn in women that we tolerate or even encourage in men (and for the record, I was not a Hillary supporter; it didn't make the media's mistreatment of her any more tolerable).

Despite this, in my head, I like men to look and act like men and women to look and act like women.  When I meet a woman (or see one on TV) that I find abrasive and unlikable, I have to stop myself, to ask myself whether I would accept such behavior or language from a man, and if it is because she is a woman that it rubs me the wrong way.  Sometimes the answer is "No, that behavior is offensive no matter what."  But sometimes the answer is "Yes, I don't find her behavior to be ladylike."  Then I have to make myself pause, recognize my own double standard, and adjust my thinking.

I have a son and a daughter.  I may be an unnatural feminist, but that buck stops here.  I was lucky enough to marry a man who shares my values, who does not look down on women but sees me as his equal partner.  Together, I hope we can raise our children to be natural feminists.