My Son Likes Pink

My son, age 3, enjoys a lot of things.  He loves Cars (the machines as well as the movie), he is obsessed with trains; basically anything with wheels makes his Fun List.  In addition, he is very interested in fish, pets, music, and books (mostly books about cars, trains, and dogs and cats).  His favorite color varies wildly with his mood, but more and more frequently, he is choosing pink.

I first noticed this trend when shopping with him about six months ago.  We went to the children's section to pick out some sunglasses, and I led him right over to the blue and black pairs, some of which had themes like Spiderman or Cars, others had flames painted on the sides, you know, the usual ploys used to lure young children into protecting their eyes willingly.  My son looked at these for a while, but when I asked him which one he wanted, he took a step to the right and chose a pair of bright pink princess-themed glasses.  "Aha," I thought.  "My first real challenge as a feminist mother."

I want my daughter to know that she can be an astronaut or a princess, and either choice is fine with me.  I like girls to be feminine, but I think we need to redefine femininity.  It is not feminine to be weak and simpering; woman can (and are) strong, opinionated, and ambitious as well as gentle and nurturing.  The traits are not mutually exclusive in any way.  I also want my son to consider his options.  Men have more choices in American society, but that doesn't mean they aren't limited.  A man who is a feminist doesn't just need to accept a woman's right to be confident in herself, he needs to be confident enough in himself to stand by her side, support her, and be supported by her.  In order to do this, a feminist man cannot see things that are womanly as being subordinate.

First and foremost, I want my children to make up their own minds.  I never want to demean something one of my children likes, because doing so demeans their choices, and by extension, themselves.  This is taken to another level when you consider society as a whole.  By teaching boys that they shouldn't like pink, we are teaching boys (and girls, too) that pink is a less-preferable color because it is "girly," which in turn teaches them that things we associate as "girly" are somehow inferior, and that translates to the idea that girls themselves are somehow inferior, as well.

Yes, I had all these thoughts running through my head as I stood in that store aisle studying my son, and more thoughts, too.  I remembered that we live in a conservative state in the Bible Belt, where homosexuality is still very much a scandal, where traces of "feminine" behavior is just not tolerated in boys.  I recalled an incident at the park this summer when my son was running around wearing one of his jinbei, and a couple of older boys decided to make fun of him for wearing his pajamas to the park.  These boys thought it was acceptable to make fun of a two-year-old for his clothing "choices," (as though a two-year-old chooses his own clothes).  Fortunately, my son did not understand that they were being malicious, laughed right along with them, and went back to playing.  I was the only one who had to endure the knowledge that their intentions were unkind.  As my baby ages, however, I know that my heart won't be the only one to be hurt over petty things like this.

Pink sunglasses.  Princess sunglasses.  To buy or not to buy?  Let him have his choice and risk ridicule from cruel strangers at the park, or "redirect," and thus deliver the first in a series of subliminal messages that pink is not an appropriate choice for him?

I wish I knew the right answer.  I don't.  In the end, I went with my most basic instinct, which is to protect my child.  I steered him over to some "boy" sunglasses, and managed to sell him on a pair.  The princess sunglasses were forgotten, he was completely happy, but I felt as though I had taken a test.  To this day, I don't know whether I passed, or if passing was even possible.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I saw serious evidence of this anti-pink prejudice at work at the most recent Toddler Story Time (ages 2-3) at our local public library.  It is a wonderful forty-five minutes of age-appropriate stories, often a puppet show, singing, dancing, and at the very end, a simple craft for the children, and my son and I try to go together every week.  This past week, the theme was Valentine's Day, and the craft at the end was decorating a large foam heart-shaped necklace.  Some of the hearts were light pink, others were hot pink, and then there were green and blue hearts.

During the craft time, we sat at a table with two other boys and about six hearts to choose from.  My instinct was to grab one of the non-pink hearts for my son, so that he could have a "boy" color, but I fought it, and decided to let my son decide.  I held up multiple colors for his consideration, and he chose a light pink one.  Recalling the sunglasses incident, I decided there was little to risk and much to be gained by allowing pink in this instance.  I praised his choice, and together we decorated his pink necklace.  The other mothers at our table grabbed a green and a blue heart, respectively, and "assigned" the color to their sons.

At the end of craft time, I looked around, and was not totally surprised to see that out of at least 10 boys at the event, my son was the only one with a pink heart.  But he was proud and happy, and excitedly showed his necklace to his Daddy when he came home.  It now hangs in a place of honor in our kitchen.

The truth is, it makes sense for boys to like pink.  Children in general are attracted to bright colors, and pink stands out more than black or navy blue or hunter green (more "masculine" colors).  I am glad my son got to choose his own necklace color.  I am proud of him.  I hope he will continue to choose what he likes instead of what society finds acceptable, and I hope he will be confident in his choices.

My son likes pink.  And that's okay.

The Unnatural Feminist

I will share a secret.  I am not naturally a feminist.

When I say this, I do not mean that I am not a true feminist, or that I am in any way "faking it."  I deeply believe that women are equal to men, that my daughter should have the same opportunities in life as my son.  I have known many men and many women, both friends and not so much, and I can see no superiority of one sex over the other, nor are there that many consistencies within one sex.  In my own marriage, I am by far the more practical of the two of us, and I have the most common sense, but my husband is much better at abstract thinking, and works well under pressure.  We each have our advantages, and I believe they are owed more heavily to our individual personalities than any gendered predisposition. 

What I mean when I say I am an unnatural feminist is that my gut instinct is not feminist.  I was raised by my parents to dress, speak, and act like a lady, at least in public.  While I was encouraged in my pursuits, it was combined with the idea that women are natural nurturers, while men need to have drive and ambition.  Both of my parents were heavily involved with child-rearing, but otherwise, they split their roles cleanly along gendered stereotypes.  These roles fit their individual personalities, and I didn't think much of it when I was growing up.  Now, though, I am looking at the world with the eyes of a mother, not a daughter.  And what I see is a bit disturbing.

Besides my husband, those who know me well would most likely be surprised to learn that I am constantly having to combat my own prejudices about gender.  I am very opinionated, and I am an outspoken advocate of women's rights on my Facebook page.  Furthermore, my own sense of righteousness rebels against the harsh double standards for men and women in leadership positions.  I am deeply offended by the idea that I would be an unsuitable leader because I suffer from PMS.  The 2008 presidential campaigns highlighted for me in ways I had never before considered just how many behaviors we scorn in women that we tolerate or even encourage in men (and for the record, I was not a Hillary supporter; it didn't make the media's mistreatment of her any more tolerable).

Despite this, in my head, I like men to look and act like men and women to look and act like women.  When I meet a woman (or see one on TV) that I find abrasive and unlikable, I have to stop myself, to ask myself whether I would accept such behavior or language from a man, and if it is because she is a woman that it rubs me the wrong way.  Sometimes the answer is "No, that behavior is offensive no matter what."  But sometimes the answer is "Yes, I don't find her behavior to be ladylike."  Then I have to make myself pause, recognize my own double standard, and adjust my thinking.

I have a son and a daughter.  I may be an unnatural feminist, but that buck stops here.  I was lucky enough to marry a man who shares my values, who does not look down on women but sees me as his equal partner.  Together, I hope we can raise our children to be natural feminists.

Movie Review: Anastasia

Heroine as a Role-Model: A
Hero as a Role-Model: B
Female to Male Character Ratio: B
Scariness of the Bad Guy: F
Violence or Inappropriate Behavior Level: D
Rating: PG

Overall Appropriateness for Preschoolers or Younger:
C -

Anastasia, 1997

I really wanted this movie to be appropriate for my kids. Meg Ryan is the charming and spirited Anya, the former Russian Grand Duchess Anastasia who has lost her memory and is seeking her lost family. John Cusack is believably lovable and devious as a con artist determined to make his fortune by scamming the only surviving member of the Russian royal family.  He lies to Anya repeatedly (earning him his B rating) but, like all good heroes, comes around at the end. Kelsey Grammer, Christopher Lloyd, Angela Lansbury, Hank Azaria, and Bernadette Peters round out the delightful cast. Anya is a wonderful female character who (as usual) falls in the love with the hero, but unlike usual, she winds up saving him in the end, which is completely awesome.  Besides Anya, all of the main characters are male, but there are several important secondary female characters, and so I give the male-to-female ratio a B.  The romance is sweet and the good characters are very likable.

Unfortunately, however, this delightful movie is marred by the evil Rasputin, who sells his soul in order to cast a curse upon the royal family, and he is unable to die (although his body continues to rot) until the last member of the royal family is dead. This is a macabre premise, and the character adds a considerable ick effect, as well as some serious scariness. Multiple attempts are made on Anya's life in the movie itself, and the final battle scene, while not at all gory, has multiple frightening moments.  While the movie creators try to lighten the mood with a cute and not-entirely-evil sidekick, the attempt fails. In a way, it isn't that surprising, since the historical story of Anastasia is a pretty grisly one, with her entire family murdered by the Bolsheviks: women, children, and servants alike.  But perhaps this was not a story destined to become a children's movie.

Overall, I find that this movie is NOT appropriate for preschool aged children, and perhaps even only appropriate for older grade-schoolers. I wish they could have toned down the terror, but I found myself skipping through Rasputin's scenes, and if I don't really want to watch them, I certainly don't want my children watching them.

For Women's Eyes Only - UPDATE

It has come to my attention that the FuzziBunz cloth pads that I recommended in my segment For Women's Eyes Only are no longer available - anywhere.  I contacted FuzziBunz directly and received bad news: they are no longer making their wonderful cloth pads.  However, they did direct me to a new brand of cloth pad, Charlie Banana, who offers NEARLY identical pads, much superior to any other brands I have found.  The prices are reasonable, and shipping is free.  I have never used their diapers, but if they are the same quality as the pads, they are worth looking into!

I would love to hear from you if you have tried Charlie Banana cloth diapers.

Movie Review: My Neighbor, Totoro

Heroine as a Role-Model: A+
Hero as a Role-Model: A
Female to Male Character Ratio: A+
Scariness of the Bad Guy: A
Violence or Inappropriate Scenes: B
Rating: G

Overall Appropriateness for Preschoolers or Younger:

A -

My Neighbor, Totoro, 1988

This is absolutely my favorite movie for my children, and it gets the best rating I will probably give to a non-Sesame-Street movie. We watch it in the original Japanese, but the DVD comes with Japanese, English, and French versions.

It is the story of Satsuki Kusakabe (Noriko Hidaka, or Dakota Fanning in the English version) and her four-year-old sister, Mei (Chika Sakamoto or Elle Fanning), who move to the countryside with their father while their mother endures a long-term hospitalization for an unknown illness. Immediately, the children begin having supernatural experiences with the discovery that their new home is "haunted" by Susuwatari, and this experience is followed up by an encounter with a Forest Spirit that Mei dubs "Totoro," as well as some challenges as Satsuki and Mei struggle to get through daily life without their mother.

Satsuki is a strong and independent female heroine, but she is not the token feisty female; there are plenty of other female characters in the cast (as is common in Hayao Miyazaki movies). I was not sure who to consider the male hero of the story, since it is really the story of two heroines, but both Mr. Kusakabe and Totoro make interesting and very good male role models, as does the "romantic interest," the young Kanta.

One of my favorite aspects of this movie is the lack of a villain, yet another feature common in Miyazaki's works. The girls do have definite concerns for the health of their mother, and there is a scene when Mei attempts to walk to the hospital herself and gets desperately lost, causing stress and worry for her older sister and the community (some tension is needed in any good movie). But there is nothing evil to fear in this story.  None of the supernatural creatures are any threat to the girls (most are actually affectionate), Satsuki and Mei have an extremely loving and open-minded father, a mother who completely dotes on them (albeit from afar), and they are surrounded by a community that cares for them.

I gave this movie a B-rating for Inappropriate Scenes for several minor reasons. First of all, the idea of a mother being sick in the hospital could be disturbing to some children, especially as the movie progresses and Satsuki expresses her (unfounded) fears that her mother might die. Secondly, during the part of the movie when Mei is lost, a child's sandal is found floating in a pond and the community begins to fear that Mei may have drowned. This is never explicitly explained, and my own preschool-age son does not understand why the community is so terrified, but an older child might grasp the meaning and find it upsetting.  In addition, children who are particularly sensitive might find the idea of susuwatari living in the house a bit scary, despite their harmlessness.

Parents may want to note that there is a scene where the girls bathe with their father.  The girls are shown naked from the waist up, and the father is obviously naked although nothing is shown.  This scene is completely in keeping with the Japanese tradition of family bathing, and it is clearly entirely innocent, but it may offend some American sensibilities.  The Cat Bus (male) is also portrayed as anatomically-correct, but this is only apparent if you are paying extremely close attention.

I highly recommend this movie for children of any and all ages. It is heart-warming and innocent and fresh, with a very happy ending. It is not only the favorite of both of my children, but one of my favorite movies, as well.

Best Buy - Bundle Me

BEST BUY: Stroller Blankets - The JJ Cole BundleMe

Since my last Best Buy posting was about a carrier, I thought I should even things out by addressing strollers.  I have not chosen to review strollers yet because, frankly, I own five strollers and each has its own value and purpose, and none have yet struck me as superior to all others (although I do want to put a good word in for the Combi Twin Sport, which is a very easy-to-use and light-weight double stroller).  Instead, I want to address stroller blankets, which have been on my mind since the weather turned cooler.  When everyone in our family is healthy, we walk daily (I have three dogs to exercise!) and while my son, at almost three, usually runs ahead of us, my daughter is still stroller- or carrier-bound.  As the risk for ice (and slipping) becomes more pronounced, I carry her less and rely on the stroller more. Keeping her warm in the stroller has been a challenge, however, since she kicks off any blankets I put on her (they cannot be effectively wrapped since she is strapped into a five-point harness), and spending a half-hour every day to dress her in a snowsuit and jacket, hat, scarf, and gloves, resizing the stroller restraints, etc. is not only a waste of time, but it guarantees that my children will be cranky before we even get started.

So, when the weather was just down to the lower 50s, I began looking for an alternative.  There are many such brands out there, including the awesome-looking Warm as a Lamb, the Cozy Cub, Baby Trend, and the JJ Cole Bundle Me, as well as several brands that are particular to specific stroller brands.  I compared prices, reviews, and my own needs, and decided against the Warm as a Lamb, although it has the most enthusiastic reviews, because of both price and the fact that a different item must be purchased if you have a single or a double stroller.  As I stated, I own multiple strollers, including a side-by-side double stroller (the Combi), two Tandem strollers, and two single strollers.  The next two most highly-reviewed buntings within my price range (under $100) were the Cozy Cub by OneStepAhead and JJ Cole's Bundle Me.  I chose the Bundle Me because the Cozy Cub has holes for a child's arms.  I can certainly see the value in this design, especially for an older child like my son, but my daughter, at just 14-months old, does not need her hands out and is more likely to get cold, lose gloves, etc. with that option.

The JJ Cole Bundle Me comes in five styles - the Lite, the Urban, the Original, the Original Weather-Resistant (which is new), and the Arctic.  All styles come in both an Infant version (designed to fit over the carry-along carseat) and a Toddler version, estimated to last from 1-3 years of age.  They fit (with some adjustment) on my Graco Travel System as well as the Combi Twin Sport, but although they do fit on the Contours Options Tandem stroller, they slide down so badly that I do not recommend them for use with this stroller.  They fit my daughter with plenty of room, and my son, at 2 and a half and in the 90th percentile for height, also fits in them quite comfortably.  They zip up to the shoulders of my son and the neck of my daughter, meaning that I only need to provide a warm hat for my daughter and she can go entirely jacketless.

The Bundle Me Lite is perfect for cooling autumnal weather.  With a soft inner layer and a water- and wind-proof outer layer, it resembles a full-body windbreaker.  The Bundle Me Urban is the next heaviest blanket, with some filling, very soft micro-suede on the inner layer, and a water- and wind-resistant outer layer that feels like the same material from which nice sleeping bags are made. We have been using this bag in our now-mid-40s weather with much success.  The Original is very thick and warm, but not water- or wind-resistant, which was not only disappointing to me but also to many of the reviewers on Amazon.com.  If you intend this blanket to be for car-seat use, the Original may be the perfect choice, but for those of us wishing to walk with it, it is not functional in a lot of winter weather.  I have personally rectified this problem by doubling up - my daughter fits very snugly in the Original, which is then tucked inside the Urban.  I do not recommend this solution, however, since JJ Cole has since released their new Original Weather-Resistant Bundle Me, which they boast has all the warm snuggliness of the Original with a water- and wind-proof shell.  The Arctic Bundle Me is a combination of all of the others, with very thick padding and a heavy canvas exterior that is water- and wind-proof.  The Arctic also has a removable top to help prevent over-heating, and a hood to help block the wind.  This is probably the best choice for those in very cold climates (many of the Amazon reviewers were from Michigan and Minnesota), but at over double the price of the Original, I found that purchasing the Urban and the Original and doubling up was actually the cheaper option.

The Bundle-Me's wash well, but the zippers are notoriously difficult to use, as they are a bit cheap and also get caught in the material.  I try to avoid unzipping them much, which in turn prevents having to zip them up much.  These are approved for use in a car-seat (UNLIKE YOUR CHILD'S WINTER JACKET - Please click here for more information about NOT using a coat in car-seats!), but I think this makes more sense for infants than toddlers, because strapping them into the Bundle Me is just another hassle when you can just use a couple of heavy blankets over your child.  However, if you do not have a garage or your car otherwise gets extremely cold, this might be warmer than blankets for your child.

Why Can't My Daughter Be An Astronaut?

My daughter is too young to care about her Halloween costume.  She was born shortly before Halloween last year, and since my son is about to enter preschool and still doesn't care what costume I pick for him, I hope that I will have a couple more years before I am fighting off any of her requests for princess finery.  This works out well for me, because though I like to dress my daughter in girly outfits, I don't think that most of the costumes I've seen in the various Halloween catalogs are at all appropriate for my child.

Have you noticed how Halloween has become such a sexy holiday for women?  If not, do a Google search for "Halloween costume woman" and count how many UNSEXY costumes you get back as results.  I don't mean unsexy as in "zombie" or "Big Bird," but unsexy as in longer skirts (or better yet, pants!), loose bodices, costumes with sleeves, costumes that cover enough to go out trick-or-treating with your kids.  You know what I mean: costumes that you could wear to the Playboy Club without being mistaken for a Halloween Bunny.  I found a couple; they are out there.  For the most part, though, if I want to buy a ready-made costume, I need to prepare to be either completely hideous or a sex kitten.  Some costumes even let me be both!  If I want to wear pants instead of a skirt, my choices are even more limited.  Apparently, modern Halloween exists for women to slink into skankiness, just as Lindsay Lohan's character Cady Heron says in the movie 'Mean Girls,' "In Girl World, Halloween is the one night a year when a girl can dress up like a total slut and no other girls can say anything about it."  It is a time for us to dress up like the showgirls that men know we secretly are inside (watch out for sarcasm!)  For more comparisons and a great analysis of this, check out the awesome blog Responsible Men.

My daughter, however, is too young to be sexy, and I hope she will continue to be for at least the next 16-17 years.  My daughter is a child, and by definition, a child is not sexy.  The nightmarish parents from Toddlers and Tiaras aside, I would like to think that MOST parents agree that children have no business being sexy.  We might disagree about at what age a child moves into adulthood, but to save time, let's settle on the idea that anyone who hasn't hit puberty yet is still a child, and has no place associating with the word sexy, either in their own minds or in the minds of others.  Looking around at the costumes that will be available for my baby next year,  though, I wonder if I am alone in my analysis of a child's sexiness, because sexy appears to be just what the makers of Halloween costumes want my pre-tween daughter to be.
 
I decided my daughter will be a butterfly for Halloween this year.  It seemed like a safe, sweetly feminine choice, and very fitting with the way I think of her.  So, I went looking for butterfly costumes.  I was startled by what I found.  The costume to the left, for example, is relatively unoffensive, except that it is almost identical to the one on the adult woman above, complete with a corset, a barely-there skirt, and strappy heels, all of which would be more commonly found in a Redlight district than on a child's body.  Of course, the little girl's costume doesn't look sexy, and it shouldn't.  A child's body is not designed to look sexy.  I personally think the outfit looks cute - like a cross between a butterfly, a fairy, and a ballerina, and I might let my daughter wear it if she asked.  But the costume is also teaching the girl what clothing is appropriate, and parents who choose such a costume need to look closely to decide if this costume sends a message they want to teach to their daughters.  For the sake of being practical, I'd like to add that at least where I live, this costume is not weather-appropriate, either.  By Halloween, our temperatures are pretty cold, and my daughter doesn't need to be taught that being pretty is more important than being practical!  An awesome blog posting has already been written about this topic by Pigtail Pals, and I highly recommend you read it.  She also delves into the value of a home-made costume, which I will not address here but think is a very worthy way to avoid the sexualization and sexism I am discussing in this posting.

Fortunately, there ARE cute, unsexy butterfly costumes out there if you look hard enough.  Walmart has an awesome one that I wish I had found earlier, and you can find plenty on Google as long as you have the time to overlook the less appropriate versions.  Most of the more modest costumes are designed for infants and toddlers, but some come in larger sixes (the one from Walmart is available though a child's size 6).  I got my daughter's costume at a yard sale, and it is similar with full pants and sleeves.  I am sure my daughter will be a darling butterfly, and I know I have learned a valuable lesson about costume selection that will serve me well over the next couple of years.

For now at least, dressing my daughter modestly and appropriately falls to me.  The costume companies are not evil; they provide what people are willing to buy.  It is up to Mom and Dad to decide that certain outfits aren't appropriate for their little girls, and that is what I will do.  For now, the hurdle has been cleared.  But what if my daughter doesn't want to be a butterfly next year?  What if she would rather be an astronaut?

She is out of luck, then.  I did a Google search for "Halloween girl astronaut costume," and got a bunch of costumes...for boys.  I thought perhaps my search had been too broad, so I went to different stores, such as Target, Walmart, and Costume Express and searched their sites directly.  I got the same results.  My daughter can be Princess Leia, but she can't walk on the moon.  The ONLY girls' astronaut costumes I could find were designed for strippers - oh, I mean, adults.  I got similar results when I searched for "Halloween girl police costume."  There ARE policewomen costumes out there for little girls who dream about strutting their stuff in sequins, heels, and a miniskirt in front of suspects, but none for little girls who would like to actually dress up as, uh, a policewoman.  Frankly, I find these costumes considerably more offensive than the pixie-butterfly above.  God forbid our real policewoman had to walk around in such a get-up; I can't imagine how anyone could earn the respect of their male colleagues, much less chase down a perp. When compared to the boys' police costumes, which look like true police uniforms, the difference stings.

I had only slightly better results when I searched for "Halloween girl sports costumes," since most of the costumes were sexified baseball players or cheerleaders, but there were a couple normal baseball costumes and a very cute referee costume that were mostly appropriate (both had short shorts instead of long pants, but were otherwise unobjectionable - good, perhaps, for Halloween in Florida).  In general, because costumes are divided into boys' and girls' costumes, my daughter would have to buy a boys' costume if she wanted to be an astronaut or a policewoman-sans-the-stripper.  And shop in the boys' section we will, or make our own costumes, in order to follow her dreams.  But there may come a time when she will feel a real or imagined stigma from shopping for boys' clothing.  She might avoid being an astronaut because she doesn't want to wear a boys' costume, and that could affect how she views what is appropriate for women, and for her own future.

I do not have an objection to girls looking like girls and boys looking like boys (as is evidenced by my selection of a butterfly costume for my daughter).  Growing up, I never dreamed of being an astronaut: I wanted to be a princess, an angel, a cat, etc.  If my daughter takes the girly-girl route for Halloween, I will be happy to provide, but I do not want my daughter to adjust her aspirations for life around what she believes to be a feminine or masculine occupation.  These costume limitations send a clear message: boys are astronauts, boys are policemen, and it is more important that girls look sexy in heels and skirts than get the job done.  Apparently, 21st century Halloween is stuck in a 1950's nightmare.  It is disheartening, but as parents, for the sake of our kids, we need to continue to push the envelope, to refuse to buy costumes that sex up little girls and insist that companies supply costumes that will encourage our daughters to shoot for the moon.





***Credit where credit is due: I was delighted to find that there is a wide range of girls' doctor costumes available online, with scrubs in a variety of colors (not just pink), and the same goes for girls who might dream of going into the army - they can pick from mini-skirts or full-body khakis.  This is great progress.  But flipping through the catalogs, she is bound to notice, as I did, that even the doctor and army costumes only have male models, not female, even if the costumes themselves are listed as unisex.